For a while I worked in the maker space at the university library and one my favorite things to do was troll “business bro” students.

They’d come in and look around, and you can always tell it’s them cause they wear blazers all the dam time. I’d watch them look around and finally ask if they needed help.

“Oh maybe, I don’t know if you can help me. I’m looking for... *hushed voice* ... a coder.”
“Oh yeah?” I’d murmur, matching their tone and seriousness. “We do coding tutorials, no worries, everyone starts somewhere, here let me pull up the tutor schedule...”

“Heh, no, no. I’m looking for a serious coder... for a business project.” They’d answer, suddenly puffing up.
“Ahh.” I’d nod solemnly. “Well, what kind of coder? I may have one in the back.”

“A good one.” They’d day, usually pulling up a chair.

“Yes but, what coding language?”

“Oh well I don’t know, that’s up to them.” They’d wave dismissively with one hand.
I’d nod again, pretending to take notes. “A good coder. I see. Well it depends on what you need...”

“It’s an APP!” (It’s always an app)

Sometimes I’d let them launch into their pitch, sometimes I’d cut them off.

Either way I’d say: “I see, and the salary you’re offering?”
This always got blank stares.

“What? No this is like a start-up thing.”

I’d nod, still pretending to take notes. “I see, so you’re offering 50% of the company.”

They’d shake their heads and go “What? No. I mean we’ll see if it makes money, but this is a great idea!”
Me: “So you are providing the idea and you want a coder to build it all, trouble shoot, test, maintain, and you’re doing... what exactly?”

Business Bro: “I’ll be handling the business side of things.”

Me: “That’s great. So, what salary are you offering again?”
Business Bro: “look this is a really exciting idea and I need a great coder to work on it and help bring it to life.”

Me: *scratching stuff out on my fake notes* “Hold on, you said you needed a good coder when you came in. Now you need a great coder?”
Business Bro: “I’ve got an idea for an app and I need someone to build it. It’s gonna be great.”

Me: “That’s awesome, starting salary for a senior app developer is 80k plus benefits.”

BB: “What?”

Me: “I mean, it’s a very in-demand skill set.”
Business Bro: “I don’t have that kind of money, but this idea is a million dollar idea if I can get someone to build it. I just need to put my ideas together with a coding genius to make it happen.”

Me: *putting down fake notes* “coding genius...?”
Me: *staring hard at business bro* So let me get this straight. You have an idea for an app that you’re convinced will be successful but you need someone else to build it. So you’re bringing the idea.

BB: exactly!

Me: what makes you think coders don’t have their own ideas?
Business Bro: *silence*

Me: so I’ve got an opening on Wednesday at 2pm with our JavaScript tutor, I recommend starting there. Unless you’ve never played around with HTML/CSS?

BB:

More from Erynn Brook

I don’t have a son, but if I did, and he was accused of sexually assaulting someone, I would look him in the eye and ask him what he had done. And he would know from my face that lying would be the worst choice he could make.


I don’t have a brother, but if I did and he was accused of sexually assaulting someone, I would call him up and say “is it true?” And he would know from my voice that lying would mean the end of our relationship.

I do have a husband, and if anyone accused him of sexually assaulting someone I’d look at him and say “tell me what happened.” And I would know if he was lying in that moment.

And if they lied I would come out and say “they’re lying.” And if they told the truth and they had done horrible things I would come out in support of their accuser. And if they told me a story about how nothing happened, I’d say I need to hear it from her.

There are plenty of wonderful husbands, brothers and sons who were shitty boyfriends, shitty dates, shitty friends, shitty acquaintances, somewhere at some point in their lives.

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